Been there, done that.

crazy experiences, drugs, spiritual journey, awakening, meditating, mistakes

day one.

Ah, the quest for health. The battle every human being is drafted to fight in. Some will succeed in conquering, some will become trapped as prisoners of war. I think I’m somewhere in between. I have been freed of entrapment and find every strength within to want to succeed, yet, I still endure the hauntings of my prison. We all want to conquer. I will see the light again. Stick to my goals and stay focused. I am strong and must harness the will power that lives deep inside and shout with full force, “I can succeed, I will succeed, I am succeeding!” This power of oneself lives within us all. We are all strong and capable of so much. But the power is not easy because life is not easy and to achieve what we desire we must fight and show discipline and perseverance. Qualities most people are too lazy to bother attaining. I know this feeling of laziness from personal experience. Not only is laziness a factor, but society filling our heads that we are limited beings and our education system dumbing us down rather than implementing every way possible to help each person fulfill their greatest potential. Imagine a world where more people were excited about learning how to travel among the stars instead of finding excitement in who committed the latest scandal on a reality tv show. Reality my ass. I have no education under my belt, in fact, I’ve spent the past 6 years getting fucked up at parties. That was what I called life. But no more, no sir. I’m waking up and I crave life, I crave education. I crave for joy and love and sensations never felt before. There is a world out there and I want to know that world personally. So, let me reflect on what my goals are and actually type them out. I’m horrible at planning.

Get HEALTHY. Eat right and exercise. Get my sexy body back to where I am happy. Dance classes. Move my body. Interpretative, hip hop, etc. yoga.

Back to school. Enroll into the nursing program. Kick ass.

Stay creative. Sell my jewelry.

Be a travel nurse. Explore new places.

Specialize in holistic nursing. Continue my education.

Be my own boss.

Find true love (whatever order that may come in).

Help animals and people. Sanctuary farm.

Festivals, concerts, live music, dancing FOR LIFE.

Spread positive energy. Spread love.

Meditate and pray.

Always seek higher learning. Always seek enlightenment. Always seek adventure.

Be grateful. Give thanks. Appreciate.

One with all.

 

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Doors

“When one door closes, another one opens.” I love this quote. I’ve been depressed about my legal trouble and losing my license and feeling as if my life was taken away. Getting out of jail, moving back home in a small town with nothing to do, becoming jobless and all the other little things that add up, like the number on my scale. Shit sucks, but hey, that’s life. And in those crappy circumstances, one can find new blessings. We just have to keep our eyes open and notice the beauty in the world. Jail ended up giving me a whole new appreciation for life and the simple things. Leaving my job was something I had been wanting to do forever and now I am free and have peace like never before. Moving back home has brought me back to my sweet dog which is the best reunion ever. My relationship with my mom is better than ever and we are each other’s rock. I’m lucky to have her. I’m still down and working on myself, trying to become healthier physically and mentally, but I’m learning. I have found some opportunities in there that make it all worth pushing forward. Just have to stay aware. Persevere. Some days I feel like a goddess ready to conquer the world. Some days I feel like scum that should just go ahead and die. It’s a battle, but I’m a fighter. I have to fight. Because if we stop fighting, that’s the real tragedy.

Mess Inside Her Mind

She held his hand with a force that told him this would be the last time he saw her. She blankly gazed out the window avoiding his eyes. He had lost her. But she had lot herself first. She knew more than ever she could not be bound and needed to flee. Her spirit belonged to the element of fire; she was too hot to handle and spread with reckless force. Lighting up the sky and warming bodies, sometimes burning, all along the way. A splash of water could calm her, but too much and she spattered out. A little bit of air and she could rise high again, but too much and she would devour everything in her path with abandonment of reason. Earth kept her grounded; earth kept her in a balance, guiding her and allowing her to breathe into existence. Earth helped her grow or could eat her up in one gulp, the two had to know their limits. She struggled with limits and detested boundaries. She wanted to spread love and joy, but found herself hurting people, even the ones who loved her. She felt they loved her with a craziness she couldn’t accept. She couldn’t give them back what they needed and it caused sadness. She felt she should hate herself, but she didn’t want to. She wanted to love herself above everyone else. Never understanding if this is pure selfishness or pure freedom. She had to follow her gut. She chose herself. Knowing nothing, wanting to understand everything. Realizing that isn’t possible, no final point of reaching complete truth. But any taste of enlightenment she craves, a desire for truth and peace within. She wants a life of fulfillment, a life of self-worth, a life where she knows why she is here and what she wants to do. She wants a relationship with God and dimensions of reality that exist beyond the confines of this world she exists in. What are these realities and do they even exist? She needs to know. She believes there is more, there has to be more. Yet, she feels she may be a bit too far gone or ahead of her time and left trapped in her own demise. But the hell to all of it, she will live in her world and thrive in the vortex. All the while praying for strength and balance.

feast: my killer and my savior.

feast. I know what you’re thinking. How could the word feast represent my killer and my savior? Feast: a large meal, typically in celebration of something; to eat and drink sumptuously. Defining the word feast also defines my killer, my addiction. I am addicted to food and indulging myself beyond what is reasonable to eat in one day. I’m embarrassed by this addiction and almost wish I was addicted to coke instead. But no, it is sugar cravings that take over my mind and body, temporarily filling this void within that quickly turns into disgust and resentment. This vicious cycle of stuffing my face even when I know it’s wrong and it’s making my physically and mentally ill. I see my happiness slipping away and feel unworthy of life. As far as drinks go, I’m like that guy from the Dos Equis commercial; I don’t drink often, but when I do, I blackout and start making out with some girl in the bathroom. A fun person, yes, but a person who does not want to stop. It is what it is I tell myself. This is true because I am who I am and I accept that wild freak inside of me. I love that ridiculous side of me, but I know I can at least take care of myself in a more responsible manner. Responsibility has never been my forte, but damn, I’m no spring chicken anymore and I want to be healthy because that does matter to me. So making out with girls is the upside, it is the eating the fridge then purging my guts until acid is burning my throat that is the downside. Food has been my enemy and target is locked and ready. The thing about this addiction is that you can’t just stop and never look back. I kind of have to eat, apparently I’ll die without it, it’s some weird biological thing we humans have. So quitting food is not an option, I need to develop a healthier relationship instead. I realize my therapist cannot help me the way I can help myself. I begin watching self-help videos and listening to all that I can find. I feel better after reaching out and seeing these videos, there are some people with amazing advice that anyone can relate with. I am latching on to whatever helps, like meditating and diverting my attention, like finally sitting my ass down to write like I have been wanting to do forever. It is not always easy, but I keep fighting and know that I am worthy and it is time to follow a passion of mine for the first fucking time in my life. Stop feasting on stuff that is killing me, feast on passion and sharing my experiences, finally releasing the pain and moving forward in life. Feast for life and the desire to live and achieve my dreams and goals. Let feasting be my savior now, not about celebrating a meal, but celebrating my will to live. I want to live and I want to break this vicious cycle for good. One thing I do know is that I’ll forever be a wild freak and I need to be physically and mentally in shape in order to continue my craziness. And finally share that craziness with you guys. A feast I’m ready to devour.