feast: my killer and my savior.
feast. I know what you’re thinking. How could the word feast represent my killer and my savior? Feast: a large meal, typically in celebration of something; to eat and drink sumptuously. Defining the word feast also defines my killer, my addiction. I am addicted to food and indulging myself beyond what is reasonable to eat in one day. I’m embarrassed by this addiction and almost wish I was addicted to coke instead. But no, it is sugar cravings that take over my mind and body, temporarily filling this void within that quickly turns into disgust and resentment. This vicious cycle of stuffing my face even when I know it’s wrong and it’s making my physically and mentally ill. I see my happiness slipping away and feel unworthy of life. As far as drinks go, I’m like that guy from the Dos Equis commercial; I don’t drink often, but when I do, I blackout and start making out with some girl in the bathroom. A fun person, yes, but a person who does not want to stop. It is what it is I tell myself. This is true because I am who I am and I accept that wild freak inside of me. I love that ridiculous side of me, but I know I can at least take care of myself in a more responsible manner. Responsibility has never been my forte, but damn, I’m no spring chicken anymore and I want to be healthy because that does matter to me. So making out with girls is the upside, it is the eating the fridge then purging my guts until acid is burning my throat that is the downside. Food has been my enemy and target is locked and ready. The thing about this addiction is that you can’t just stop and never look back. I kind of have to eat, apparently I’ll die without it, it’s some weird biological thing we humans have. So quitting food is not an option, I need to develop a healthier relationship instead. I realize my therapist cannot help me the way I can help myself. I begin watching self-help videos and listening to all that I can find. I feel better after reaching out and seeing these videos, there are some people with amazing advice that anyone can relate with. I am latching on to whatever helps, like meditating and diverting my attention, like finally sitting my ass down to write like I have been wanting to do forever. It is not always easy, but I keep fighting and know that I am worthy and it is time to follow a passion of mine for the first fucking time in my life. Stop feasting on stuff that is killing me, feast on passion and sharing my experiences, finally releasing the pain and moving forward in life. Feast for life and the desire to live and achieve my dreams and goals. Let feasting be my savior now, not about celebrating a meal, but celebrating my will to live. I want to live and I want to break this vicious cycle for good. One thing I do know is that I’ll forever be a wild freak and I need to be physically and mentally in shape in order to continue my craziness. And finally share that craziness with you guys. A feast I’m ready to devour.