Mess Inside Her Mind
She held his hand with a force that told him this would be the last time he saw her. She blankly gazed out the window avoiding his eyes. He had lost her. But she had lot herself first. She knew more than ever she could not be bound and needed to flee. Her spirit belonged to the element of fire; she was too hot to handle and spread with reckless force. Lighting up the sky and warming bodies, sometimes burning, all along the way. A splash of water could calm her, but too much and she spattered out. A little bit of air and she could rise high again, but too much and she would devour everything in her path with abandonment of reason. Earth kept her grounded; earth kept her in a balance, guiding her and allowing her to breathe into existence. Earth helped her grow or could eat her up in one gulp, the two had to know their limits. She struggled with limits and detested boundaries. She wanted to spread love and joy, but found herself hurting people, even the ones who loved her. She felt they loved her with a craziness she couldn’t accept. She couldn’t give them back what they needed and it caused sadness. She felt she should hate herself, but she didn’t want to. She wanted to love herself above everyone else. Never understanding if this is pure selfishness or pure freedom. She had to follow her gut. She chose herself. Knowing nothing, wanting to understand everything. Realizing that isn’t possible, no final point of reaching complete truth. But any taste of enlightenment she craves, a desire for truth and peace within. She wants a life of fulfillment, a life of self-worth, a life where she knows why she is here and what she wants to do. She wants a relationship with God and dimensions of reality that exist beyond the confines of this world she exists in. What are these realities and do they even exist? She needs to know. She believes there is more, there has to be more. Yet, she feels she may be a bit too far gone or ahead of her time and left trapped in her own demise. But the hell to all of it, she will live in her world and thrive in the vortex. All the while praying for strength and balance.